Caroline says
As she gets up off the floor
Why is it that you beat me
It isnt any fun

Caroline says
As she makes up her eyes
You ought to learn more about yourself
Think more than just i

But shes not afraid to die
All her friends call her alaska
When she takes speed, they laugh and ask her

What is in her mind
What is in her mind

Caroline says
As she gets up from the floor
You can hit me all you want to
But I dont love you anymore

Caroline says
While biting her lip
Life is meant to be more than this
And this is a bum trip

But shes not afraid to die
All her friends call her alaska
When she takes speed, they laugh and ask her

What is in her mind
What is in her mind

She put her fist through the window pane
It was such a funny feeling

Its so cold in alaska
Its so cold in alaska
Its so cold in alaska

Lou Reed

and thanks for everyone else for picking up my pieces...

Yesterday's conversation:

Me (to random pretty person): "Hey, you are beutiful."
Pretty one: "You are not."
Me: ... (sadface)

Random nice person: "Why are you crying?"
Me: "I'm depressed. And my heart is broken. And then someone told me I am not beautiful."
Nice one: "I think you are."

---

Why I always believe the ones that are rude to me? When I look at the mirror, I see a reasonably pretty person. When I think how people react towards me, I see a failure.
---

And by the way, the nice person turned out to be a young lawyer, who has a stylish appartment in the poshest part of the town. Why do I never keep those ones? Stupid me.

I used to listen to this about five years ago, because it did fit my life back then. And now it fits again. Great, what is the point in learning from past experiences?

Osaan sanoa kymmenellä kielellä kiitos,
osaan hyvää uutta vuotta toivottaa.
Mutta aamuöisin loistavaa tähteä en kiinni saa.

Saatan kohtaa vaikeudet silmästä silmään,
saatan olla hiljaa jos niin vaaditaan.
Saatan seppeleen mä laskea ja lähteä jatkamaan.

Rakkaus on kuollut, elämän virtaan.
Pelasta mut, jos se sopii sinun pirtaan,
pelasta mut.

Voisin kulkee väsymättä maailman ääriin,
voisin tulla takaisin ja hengähtää.
Mutta sinä kun oot mennyt, ei henkeäkään mulle jää.

Maailman tuuliin mä menetin rakkaan.
Pelasta mut, jos se käy sun almanakkaan,
pelasta mut.

Heikosti tajuan mä elämisen taikaa.
Pelasta minut, jos sinulla on aikaa,
pelasta mut.

Jonna Tervomaa: Rakkauden haudalla, lyrics Juice Leskinen

Youtube

Hmm... My life has been interesting for a few weeks. Or, maybe, my life has been interesting. Period. It just has. I do not like myself. I should do something about it. But I never do.

On the next autumn, I am going to start new studies. But I don't really think it will make any difference. During the last month I have had a new love. And I still do not think it does make any difference. Because no matter how much I do care or love people, they will find something better. And that is good. So my goal in life is to help people to find something better. I do love many people. They do not love me.

I hope I can at least help them to accept themselves. I also hope that my princess will not want to get rid of me very soon. Or he has to live with all my useless furniture. ;-D I am cheap and even, if that is a fact, you can not buy me.

Haha. I am going to be a teacher. I have been already accepted to this college: www.snellman-korkeakoulu.fi/

Next one is going to be a poem. Just now I am too out of everything to make one.

Oh, god fucking damn! I was supposed to write a poem here. I already had about half of it planned, but... then I decided have some nice and relaxing moments listening to music and eating meat. Meat is evil! I'm telling ya! And the story of my life is to plan marvelous things and then to fail trying to actualize them. Right.

Well, now that I am on it, let me tell you about how the first half of my year went. Well, first of all, surprise, I did not follow the 101 things in 1001 days or something like that plan. Well, I guess I had either gotten something wrong, or my life is just more screwed up than the most... For all the others had goals like "23: watch one movie a month" and I had goals like " 23: try to find and solve the problem behind my insomnia". Well, yeah, it proved out to be a bit of difficult set of tasks.

After much of agony, I realized that the thing is not to change what you have been doing so far. It is about deciding what you want to do with the rest of your (oh so short) life. To make myself clear, I decided not to dream about "Baby, I wish we could start all over.." and to start planning what I'm gonna include in my new start. It includes a lot of living longer and making more art. And by so far it has not gone very well... Because, obviously, if you are gonna have a new start, you should get over your old mistakes. Which I seem never to be able to do.

But I'll keep goddamnith trying, untill I have to give up!

More thoughts to follow... now I feel like writing in a more musical genre, so, have some CMX lyrics:

nelisilmä, siipipyörä
viikatteen vino varjo
lapsipolo lattialla
tulivasara, leijonankita

niin ovat laulut meiltä menneet

taivaan lapset
repeilleet kuin pilvet
pienillä haavoilla
taivaan lapset
keskeltä halki
taivaan lapset
eksyksissään



... And thus have we lost the songs...

I seriously want some changes for better in my life. To help achieve things I made a list of 101 things I want to achieve in next 1001 days. The idea is from Michael Green. You can read more about it here. I of course also joined to the featured community mission101_2009 which is a support group for people who want to achieve their goals starting this year. It was originally the place I first heard about this thing. But, without a further ado, here is my list of




1. Make and publish my list of 101 things.

Health

2. Make sure to take all my medication, vitamins and the like every day.
3. Do not "make do" without any prescribed meds. Make sure to have at least two weeks doses of everything at home at any time. Borrow money if I can't afford to buy them in time.
4. Make sure I have always at least month's worth of my meds left in my prescriptions. Schedule re-prescriptions accordingly.
5. Keep a calendar about medications and health issues. That means to make notes of things scheduled or likely to happen in advance and make a diary notes about irregularities etc.
6. Fill mood charts every day unless a doctor suggests otherwise.
7. Stop staying awake all night for no reason.
8. Start to fight my insomnia by keeping a balanced schedule of daily routines, doing light exercises etc.
9. Store some ready-made food at home and make sure I eat them during periods of depression.
10. Learn to read the signs of my mood swings.
11. Demand better explanations and examinations about my illnesses.
12. Find out WTF is wrong with my hormones.
13. Make sure that my new doctor helps me to make a good plan to get better.
14. Brush my teeth every day. ;-D
15. Learn to stop drinking before I start acting stupid, while I still have fun.
16. Drink only because of the aesthetic value, not to get wasted or to "save money". This means ie. sparkling wine or good beverages instead of cheap beer, even if my friends were drinking the cheap beer. ;-D
17. Escape the winter of Finland for at least two weeks on 2009 and 2010.
18. Start scheduling my weeks again.
19. Learn to read my own body better. (To know when I'm hungry and so on...)
20. Start doing yoga or similar balancing exercise regularly.
21. Genuinely try to do my best to get as healthy as I can, not giving up on any setbacks. I can take some time to recover from setbacks, but not give up!


Creativity

22. Make notes when playing with ideas.
23. Write something (scripts, journal, essays, studies...) every day.
24. Practice drawing almost daily.
25. Finish my manga manuscript.
26. Learn to draw at least well enough to give good example pictures to artists and publishers.
27. Compare styles and tricks of different artists and writers.
28. Find the artist(s) to draw my manga.
29. Write my fairy tale manuscript.
30. Write some short stories, poems, lyrics, fan fiction etc.
31. Think about what (if anything) I'd like to tell in a novel.
32. Write a reference article about jrock.
33. Start writing to the magazine Japan Pop. (If they'll accept my application to be a contributor.)
34. Take part to the Animecon 2009, preferably with a press card.
35. Attend to a sketch course with my brother on February 2009.
36. Attend to at least a one art course per year.
37. Learn more English idioms and terms to use in English versions of my texts.
38. Learn more about (popular) culture to make references.
39. Pose for burlesque pictures (maybe with my friend). Then decide if I want to proceed to make burlesque performances.
40. Design new clothes.
41. Learn to play a guitar at least to a degree where I can decide if it's worth the effort to continue practicing.

Fitness

42. Start eating properly; 3-5 small meals in a day.
43. Eat more balanced foods; less bread and chocolate and more fruits and vegetables.
44. Make a good meal daily.
45. Lose at least 10 kilograms (22 pounds) of my weight.
46. Drop my fat percent from around 30 to around 20.
47. Start exercising at least 2 times a week.
48. Gradually extend exercising to 2 heavy and 2 light sessions per a week.
49. Consume less energy drinks, until I use them only to cope after a severe case of insomnia.
50. Do short, but regular (5-15 minutes) exercises at home.
51. Enroll to a gym or a health course.
52. Take better care of my skin and hair.

People

53. Take better care of my lover.
54. Go to the monthly meetings of Helsinki poly amorous people.
55. Have less drunken one night stands. Sober one night stands would be OK. ;-D
56. Date new interesting people instead just hooking up with them once.
57. Start doing some volunteer work if there is time after scheduling the other things.
58. Support others with similar issues whenever and as much as I can.
59. Answer messages as soon as I can, not "maybe sometime later"...
60. Do more nice things with friends, family and loved one(s). (Museum visits, dinners, long walks etc.)
61. Organize some theme parties to friends. (At least two, of which the first is a housewarming party.)
62. Arrange a summer picnic.
63. Meet my childhood friends when visiting my parents' hometown.
64. Contact my grandma more often.
65. Contact old friends more often.
66. Find and get in touch with the people I have lost during the years, but still would like to meet.
67. Check to what NGOs I am member of and which I should join to.
68. Spend more time with my pet hamster. (Unless this is overruled by Staying Up All Night.)
69. Send greetings to people on their special days or randomly just to show that I care.

Studies

70. Decide by the Summer 2009 whether to enroll to the university for 2009-2010 or not.
71. Decide on a possible exchange to another Master Degree Program.
72. Read at least one "academic" book or series of articles every month.

Home

73. Get all my broken objects repaired or throw them away.
74. Get rid of unused clothes and things!
75. Organize moving to the new home to go smoothly.
76. Make sure that there is a place for everything and enough storage space in the new apartment.
77. Don't leave stuff (etc. clothes and dishes) lying around. Learn to put everything back to it's place.
78. Be less messy. Don't leave trashes, papers etc lying around the house.
79. Recycle better.
80. Decorate the new home nicely.
81. Update my archives. Throw away all the old study papers etc.
82. Think twice before buying any new stuff.
83. Wash the clothes and the dishes immediately after they get dirty, not "when I'll feel like it".
84. Return the books to the libraries in time. (Make a note to the calendar about the due date...)

Money

85. Check if there is still something to do to secure my income for Spring 2009.
86. Get a plan of how to earn some money after the Summer 2009.
87. Find means to support myself financially on 2010.
88. Have a proper financial plan if I continue studying.
89. Create a saving account for studies and store to it as much money as I am able.

Other

90. Reduce the time spent playing computer games to maximum two hours a day. Only if I need to use the game for some arts project can it be on after the two hours.
91. Listen to some music when I feel down.
92. Wear pretty clothes every day even if I wasn't doing anything special or going anywhere.
93. Learn to do a better make-up.
94. Buy a new corset.
95. Buy some new shoes.
96. Get a monthly paid travel card to the Helsinki public transport.
97. Install the office pack and other useful software back to my computer.

Words of Wisdom

98. Stop having regrets. Learn from my mistakes and "useless periods in life" instead.
99. Do something fun every day!
100. Stop being embarrassed of what I have become. Instead change the things I don't like and try to live with the things I can't change.
101. Stop being a passenger in my own life and become an adventurer instead!

In the spirit of new beginnings:

" Let's face the music and dance
Don't ever say I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready
I'll never said I'm better, I'm better, I'm better
Don't ever say I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready
I'll never said I'm better, I'm better, I'm better, I'm better than you
---
I'm thinking now
I got a better way
I discovered a star
I got a better way
Ready, set, go
I got a better way
A new killer star
I got a better way
Ready, set, go"

David Bowie: New Killer Star

Tiedättehän sen ilmiön, kun päässä alkaa soimaan itsepäisesti jokin biisi, josta ei pääse eroon niin millään? Omalla päänsisäisellä jukeboksillani on yleensä hyvä maku. Se soittaa sopivan rienaavia biisejä, kuten YUP:n Paratiisin sahakieliä, joten ei valittamista, noin yleensä.

"Tarkkailkaa jälkikasvuanne:
ehkä teidänkin pikku Marjattanne
on aikeissa ohjeenne unohtaa...
Seksuaalinen holtittomuus saa
otteen Marjatasta, ja - katsokaa:
kun pari karvaisia jalkoja
nahkahousuissa hikoaa...
tyttö viiksiä kasvattaa!
Kurittajanlakki otsaa koristaa:

(Kuuletteko te sen,
minkä minä kuulen?)
Mitä sanotte sukulaisille?
Minne häpeäpilkkunne aiotte piilottaa?!
(Kuuletteko te sen,
minkä minä kuulen?)
Me olemme ne
paratiisin sahakielet
saapuneet
hakemaan
lastenne sielut!"

YUP: Paratiisin Sahakielet

Mutta silloin ynnä tällöin, nykyään yhä useammin, jonkinlainen ylisuperegomainen kansakoulunopettaja saa vallan, ja vaihtaa maan mainiot rienaavat punkbiisini johonkin kehittävään lastenlauluun, kuten se hirveä "Matkustan ympäri maailmaa, laukussa leipää ja piimää vaan...." Inhosin sitä jo lapsena. Minkälainen debiili yksilö matkustaa mukanaan pelkästään leipää ja piimää, ja kuvittelee saavansa ystäviä vain sanomalla suomeksi "Päivää!"? Tätä kysyivät Suomen yhteiskunnallisesti valveutuneet tarhaikäiset 1980-luvulla.

Päänsisäinen jukeboksi on armoton. Ei kapinaa pään täydeltä, vaan väliin degeneroituneita tarhamuistoja.

Ja juu, olisi minulla vakavampaa ja oleellisempaakin kirjoitettavaa. Vaan enpä kirjoita. Ähä. ;-D

Yeah, nothing interesting here. Just the lyrics of David Bowie's "Jump, they say". It's a song he wrote after a suicide of his brother's. Let's just say it has affected me for various of reasons.... (Do you still wonder why I made my boyfriend cry?)





When comes the shaking man
A nation in his eyes
Striped with blood and emblazed tattoo
Streaking cathedral spire

They say

They say

They say
he has no brain

They say
he has no mood

They say
he was born again

They say
look at him climb

They say 'Jump'
They say 'Jump'

They say
he has two gods

They say
he has no fear

They say
he has no eyes

They say
he has no mouth

They say hey that's really something
They feel he should get some time
I say he should watch his ass
My friend don't listen to the crowd
They say 'Jump'

They say 'Jump'

Watch out

Watch out

They say hey that's really something
They feel he should get some time
I say he should watch his ass
My friend don't listen to the crowd
They say 'Jump'
Juuuuummmppp
Got to believe somebody
They say 'Jump'
Juuuuummmppp
Got to believe somebody
They say 'Jump'
Juuuuummmppp
Got to believe
They say 'Jump'
Juuuuummmppp
Got to believe somebody
'Jump'
Got to believe
'Jump'
Got to believe somebody
'Jump'
Got to believe
'Jump'
Got to believe somebody
'Jump'
They say 'Jump'
They say 'Jump'
They say 'Jump'
They say 'Jump'

David Bowie: Jump, they say

OK. I know I have been away for a long while. Basically I am allright, as allright as one can be being  bipolar with (apparently) rapid cycling.
I'm going to write more this week or the next... But for today, I just wanted to say: I made my boyfriend cry by writing this poem:



My love, let us forget what we are
Let us forget who I am
Let me forget how I ruined it all
Let's be the love story eternally told,
Even if just tonight

Let's forget all the pain
Let's forget the misery
(even if it would love our company)
Let's be just lovers, just tonight

Let's forget were not that young
Let's forget this is not the first time
Let us just make love and be lovers,
Tonight

Let me forget how I can ruin it all
Let me forget how I am not what you thought me to be,
Not at all
Let's just be lovers
Tonight

 So... Yeah, I wrote it while listening to David Bowie, whose music always makes me cry. And I was not feeling good about myself, naturally. But I never meant to make my lover cry by reading it. Oh, shit, how fucked up is life, when attempts for art only makes it worse.

OK. I am avoiding some bureacracy right now, so I copied this meme from azhure . Sorry about not writing anything that really matters, though.


01) Bold what is true about you. 02) Underline what is half true. 03) Italicize what you wish was true about you. 04) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list. 05) Tag five LJ friends. 06) Ask me anything about the bold/italicized/underlined.

• I miss somebody right now.
• I don't watch much TV these days.
• I own lots of books.
• I wear glasses or contact lenses.
• I love to play video games.
• I've tried marijuana.
• I've watched porn movies.
• I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
• I believe honesty is usually always the best policy.
• I curse sometimes.
• I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
• I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
• I have broken someone's bones.
• I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
• I hate the rain.
• I'm paranoid at times.
• I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
• I need/want money right now.
• I love sushi.
• I talk really, really fast.
• I have fresh breath in the morning.
• I have long hair.
• I have lost money in Las Vegas.
• I have at least one sibling.
• I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
• I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
• I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
• I like the way that I look.
• I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
• I am usually pessimistic.
• I have a lot of mood swings.
• I think prostitution should be legalized.
• I slept with a roommate.
• I have a hidden talent.
• I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
• I have a lot of friends.
• I have kissed someone of the same sex.
• I enjoy talking on the phone.
• I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
• I love to shop and/or window shop.
• I'm obsessed with my Livejournal.
• I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.
• I'm a pretty good dancer
• I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
• I have a cell phone.
• I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
• I've rejected someone before.
• I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
• I want to have children in the future.
• I have changed a diaper before.
• I have a lot to learn.
• I am shy around the opposite sex.
• I’m online 24/7, even as an away message.
• I have at least 5 away messages saved.
• I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
• I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
• I own the "South Park" movie.
• I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Livejournal.
• I enjoy some country music.
• I would die for my best friend(s).
• I'm obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
• I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
• Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
• I have dated a close friend's ex.
• I am happy at this moment.
• I’m obsessed with guys.
• Democrat.
• Conservative Republican.
• I am punk rockish.
• I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
• I study for tests most of the time.
• I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
• I can work on a car.
• I love my job.
• I am comfortable with who I am right now.
• I have more than just my ears pierced.
• I walk barefoot wherever I can.
• I have jumped off a bridge.
• I love sea turtles.
• I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
• I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
• I am proficient on a musical instrument.
• I hate office jobs.
• I went to college out of state.
• I am adopted.
• I am a pyro.
• I have thrown up from crying too much.
• I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
• I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time.
• I adore bright colors.
• I usually like covers better than originals.
• I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
• I can pick up things with my toes.
• I can't whistle.
• I have ridden/owned a horse.
• I still have every journal I’ve ever written in.
• I talk in my sleep.
• I've often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
• I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
• I wear a toe ring.
• I have a tattoo.
• I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
• I am a caffeine junkie.
• I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I'm not ashamed at all.
• If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
• I've cosplayed or know what cosplaying is.
• I have been to over 15 conventions.
• I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
• I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
• I'm an artist. I like to draw.
• I am ambidextrous.
• I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
• If it weren't for having to see other people naked, I'd live in a nudist colony.
• I have terrible teeth.
• I did this Meme even though I wasn't tagged by the person who took it before me.
• I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
• I have lived in either three different states or countries.
• I am extremely flexible.
• I want to own my own business.
• I smoke.
• I spend way too much time on the computer.
• Nobody has ever said I'm normal.
• Sad movies, games, fics and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
• I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
• I like the way women look in stylized men's suits.
• I don't like it when people are displeased or seem displeased with me.
• I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
• I have played strip poker with someone else before.
• I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
• I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
• I can't stand being alone.
• I have at least one obsession at any given time.
• I weigh myself, pee/poo, and then weigh myself again.
• I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
• I'm a judgmental asshole.
• I'm a HUGE drama-queen.
• I have traveled on more than one continent.
• I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.
• I need people to tell me I'm good at something in order to feel that I am.
• I can speak more than one language.
• I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
• I would rather read than watch TV.
• I like reading fact more than fiction.
• I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
• I have no piercings.
• I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
• I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.
• I've been married and am now divorced.
• There have been times when I have wondered "Why was I born?" and may/may not have cried over it.
• I like most animals better than most people.
• I own a collection of retro games consoles.
• The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.
• I have hit someone with a dead fish.
• I have written/read erotic stories.
• I am compulsively honest.
• I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.
• I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers. And not been ashamed.
• I have gone from wishing I was a boy to reveling in being a girl to feeling like a boy again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.
• I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.
• I sometimes won't sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
• I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.
• I dislike milk.
• I obsessively wash my hands.
• I always carry that something significant around with me.
• Sometimes I'd rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.
• I love talking about myself to the point where I need to be stopped.
• I often sing whenever I can and I'm good at it too.
• I have experienced some type of traumatic abuse in my lifetime.
• I've experienced visions and dreams which I know/believe are from my past life.
• I have deja vu so vivid that I feel faint.
• I love Harry Potter.
• My parents are not together.
• I don't believe in love.
• I hate people who walk incredibly slow.
• I have extreme contempt for the vast majority of people.
• Sometimes I don't shower before work.
• To me, procrastination is like a disease!
• I want to sleep now.
• I enjoy watching two guys kissing each other.
• I am a typical Gemini born.
• The more I searched the less I've found.
• As a child I was a huge crybaby.
• I'm feeling alone very fast.
• I'm living in a fairytale and I'm the noble Princess, who saves the day!
• I always have to spell my (real) name.
• I want to die in my sleep.
• I have a strange laugh.
• If they let me, I can sleep 12 hours in a row.
• I wish I could transform myself into a boy every now and then.
• I dance in the rain and don't feel like a fool.
• I have a favorite stuffed animal that I will not ever get rid of.
• I sing 80's hair metal songs into my hairbrush on a daily basis.
• I have a speech disorder.
• I'm infatuably attracted to men with long, blond, curly hair
• I sometimes have the urge to take a shot of whiskey or open a can of beer at odd times in the day.
• I have a weakness for guys with nice bodies.
• I plan to move to another country at some point in my life.
• Ever wanted to be a certain fictional character.
• My dreams are so vivid, they feel real.
• I'm a huge geek, the comic-book and video game kind, not the smart kind.
• I can get jealous easily!
• My computer and harddrive are pretty much my most prized possessions.
• I prefer to buy CDs than download music, free or otherwise.
• I haven't had my first kiss yet.
• I have had teeth pulled.
• I listen to music in at least five different languages.
• I think boys/guys/men are icky.
• I prefer dim lights or candlelight to bright lights
• I fully acknowledge that I love lame jokes, because they're lame.
• I get happy when I buy food (especially meat) on sale.
• I can find beauty and something to love in anything around me.
• Desperate to find where I belong
• I am a home-owner
• I am soft and cuddly.

Just because I can't sleep (yeah, 9 AM is practically night to me) and feel dorky I chose to do the same "New Year meme" I did last year. Yeah, it's bit late for New Year thingy, but whatever, I told you I feel dorky. ;-D

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Oh, many things. Like fell in love with someone I had met online. And stayed in Firenze over a month.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Hmm. I promised to be less messed up in my head. I guess I was. But that wasn't very difficult, considering how messed up I was in 2006. ;-P I guess I could make a same promise for this year, too...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yeah, a cousin did (another one this time).

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Italy

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
An attention span longer than 30 seconds.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I suck at remembering any dates.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hmm. Got myself a boy/girlfriend? ;-D

9. What was your biggest failure?
I didn't graduate from the university. But that was predictable, since I had managed to spend already 10 years there without graduating.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yeah, I guess being bipolar counts as an illness.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Really cool platform shoes.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Many persons'. I hope you know who you are. ;-D

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
My own, again. *sigh*

14. Where did most of your money go?
Gee, probably to the rent. And the trip to Italy.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Sami! And manga... and a lot of other stuff, too. Bipolar, remember?

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Marilyn Manson: Use Your Fist and Not Your Mouth

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Studying, and genereally being more organized.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Being lazy. But I guess that's too much to ask.

20. How did you spend Yule?
With my relatives and Sami.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Sami.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Oh dear, I guess I really did.

23. How many one-night stands?
Not sure, 1-2. Considerably less than a year before that, anyway.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Haha, I watched Finnish Idols and supported Ari with my flatmates.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Nah, hating is a waste of time.

26. What was the best book you read?
Azumanga Daioh. What ? It's a book alright!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Ark.

28. What did you want and get?
Love.

29. What did you want and not get?
Master's degree, but that's completely my own fault.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Simpsons, The Movie. Yeah, I told you I'm a dork!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old?
I failed to have a party, but had much drama instead. ;-D I turned 30 in August, and I'm still planning to have a late birthday party...

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Sanity. ;-P

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
You can't go wrong with glitter and fishnets!

34. What kept you sane?
Hmmm. Nothing? (See 32.)

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I guess it was Mana this year. Although Gackt is pretty fanciable also.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Huippuyliopisto! Aargh!

37. Who did you miss?
Everyone, when I was in Firenze.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Yikes. I hate to pick up just one. But I guess I have to say it was my princess.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
When I'm in a creative mood, it's essential to write notes!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Moves, I like to make them
Grooves, I like to shake them
Shake me from my troublesome mind

Cause sometimes you’ll find
That I’'m out of my mind
You see baby, I’'m the worrying kind

Words, I like to break ’em
Words I'’d like to shake ’em
Shake them from my troublesome mind

And you turn up your nose
It'’s a joke you suppose
But baby, I’'m the worrying kind"

The Ark: Worrying Kind

Sattumoisin päätin sitten päivittää jotain tännekin, ja suomeksi vieläpä. En nyt edes ala tekemään mitään sen ihmeellisempää meriselitystä siitä, missä tässä ollaan taas puolisen vuotta luuhattu. Italiasta tulin entistä ehompana ja muutaman kilon rikkaampana takaisin jo viime vuoden puolella. Tänä vuonna olen ainakin muuttanut (taas, on laskujeni mukaan 17. muutto mulle), saanut asuinkumppaneikseni hamsterin ja prinsessan. Keesiä en ole leikannut, vaikka kännipäissäni meinasin, enkä maisteriksi valmistunut. Kandin paperit aattelin nyt ihanhetikohta ottaa ulos. Siinäpä noita tärkeimpiä.

Viikon sitaatti: "Naama iloiseksi vaikka saatana meikillä!" - Klamydia
Viikon keskustelu: Minä: "Kyllä sinä sittenkin oot meistä se mies, kun en mä osaa säätää mitään teknisiä laitteita tai muuta käytännöllistä." Sami: "Ei, kyllä sä olet äijempi. Sä vaan olet niin köpelö sen lisäksi."

Ja miksi ihmeessä minä olen tähän aikaan hereillä? Ja miksi mun prinsessakin on hereillä, vaikka sen pitää herätä neljän tunnin sisällä töihin? Varmaan hamsteri yöeläimenä on ainoa, joka nukkuu näin keskellä yötä...

I was supposed to write something else, but I feel seriously ill, probably with a stomach flu. Gah, going home to get some sleep soon, hopefully.  But first, I give you a link to my new travel blog. I just updated it, so go and read! Now, I'll go out for some fresh air and a walk home. Or then I'll get a taxi, if the walking is too much...

I am in Firenze right now.  Been here for almost a week, and slowly starting to adjust of a) being alone all the time, b) to Italy, c) to the opening times of the shops etc (I'm so against any schedules that it gets ridiculous...) d) not getting stuck inside for the whole day. That said, my poor body is definitely not adjusted in walking around all the day. My muscles hate me at the moment, they really do.

But yeah, being in Firenze this time really suits me very well, so far at least. It's fairly peaceful and still pretty sunny and warm for a winter-fearing Finn like myself. In the beginning the week I was afraid that I'm becoming lonely and depressed, but it kinda went by. Still, the mood swings are sure to come and go, as always. One reason why I'm here is to concentrate in coping with my moodswings. The other reasons are of course to escape the winter, to see the city and to write. The writing part is still in progres....

I have so much thoughts to write in here, but I'll make it short for now. Have to go and hunt for a dinner soon, since I again managed to miss a lunch. When I get back "home" to Affittacamare Boccaccio, I promise to write the second part of the Italia story: I am NOT becoming an Italian, I'm becoming a PUNK! 

So. It has been a long, long time since this diary saw the daylight on it's dusty cover. Okay, not really. I've been reading some of my friends entries, but I had a little break from online discussions and groups... And it evolved to a huge break from updating my livejournal. Well, this stuff happens. To me at least. I bet you don't even want to know anything about the period when I didn't read my e-mail for a whole year. No? Okay, just checking. The break was suppose to give me more time to write, to be with my friends and get me rehabited from my web addiction. Did I manage to do all that? Well, 0,5 out of three ain't so bad, you know. I spent more time with my boy/girlfriend. Yay what a little overachiever I am.

Since I am tired and should really be sleeping, I'll do you a little list of things that are going on in my life. (Yeah, the real reason is of course the fact that I love lists.)

I have:

a) had very interesting mood swings who still make me unable to work. Hooray for interesting life!
b) at last got my income from the whole year in June. Whee, I'm rich now! Wait, I am not. See g) below.
c) started pretty much going steady with Sami, my boy/girlfriend. Yeah, still in love. But then again, I don't have a habit of falling out of love, as clumsy as I otherwise can be. ;-D
d) gotten myself a tattoo. Finally! It's beyond awesome. I promise to add a picture later.
e) managed to spend my time not studying and barely writing. It seems my goal for this life is to be on a permanent sick leave. Yeah, because that plan sounds like it should work... for a month more or so.

I will be, soon:

f) Trying to get back the student status. Yeah, they finally kicked me out of university for being the lazy useless bum that I am. But they have already accepted me back with a note saying "I promise to be a good girl next time". I'm still waiting with all the bureaucracy involved, though.
g) paying most of my income back to state because I have received support for my rent earlier this year. Yes, because it makes al the sense in the world for 1) one office to give person money while 2) the other office is making a decision about giving money to said person and then 3) the first office to take the money back after 5) the second office has finally made their mind. Well, actually I'm just happy that I have some income, the bureacracy is just an extra entertainment for the same price.
h) seriously writing my Master Thesis to graduate in 2008.  I have finally gotten sick and tired of being an eternal student. And that did not happen a minute too early, I can assure you.
i) going to stay in Firenze (Florence for you English speaking people who can't spell the names right :-P) for about the whole November and half of the December. I'm escaping from my seasonal depression and finding out if the change of surroundings helps my writing at all. I am supposed to rent a room there and spend my days writing, studying and wandering around in the beautiful city. And yeah, I managed actually to snatch some money for the trip after all. And I'm also renting my room to some random person whom my flatmates will love. ;-D And finally, I will be living quite poorly in Firenze. But that's nothing new and life is just so good right now.

I promise to write more about these plans and stuff later. And this time I am going to keep my promise as well. (What, me untrustworthy? Well, I never... eh, I blaim insanity, that's what I do. So there.)

By the way, for all you net addicted geeks out there: you can find me even in the Facebook, starting today. Yeah, so much for getting rid of the web addiction. What, of course I am not telling you how to find me. That would be too easy. Haha.

Yeah, I officially am a loser. I forgot to pay my net bill again. That means no net connection, which basically meant paying my rent 10 days late... Bleh, this me-person never learns. I'm now having an expensive drink and some tapas at Korjaamo and paying the bills via wlan.But yeah, broke, overspending and crazy again. And in love! Going to write some more about it someday soonish, I hope. Now going home, before I manage to spend any more money. Eep.

I found it quite hard to write this entry. I don't want to write it, but that is so not going to stop me... And word of warning to everyone: this is not a happy entry, mostly the opposite. I thought the next one would be very happy, but no... You probably don't want to read it. If you happen to be my mom, you definitely don't wan't to read it. I think my mom is going to be very hurt, if she reads this one. But then again, if one does read this kind of things, one can expect to be hurt sometimes. You don't read the diaries of other people without the risk finding out things you never really wanted to know. Not even the public ones. And it's not my policy to make any of my entries private. This journal is public for a reason. I am kinda painstakinly honest, 'cause I'm tired of trying to look better than I am. That has caused so much trouble already. I can only handle my problems, if I can handle them in public. If you can't handle it, that one is not my problem.... Ignorance is a bliss, boys and girls.

This isn't a show, this is my fucking life
I'm not ashamed you're entertained

Marilyn Manson: Vodevil

OK, now that I didn't scare any of you away (then again, I never do), we can continue the show. I was planning to write a happy and only slightly angst-y entry about love. Yeah, that one. But I, for one, don't even believe in happiness in love and all that, not really. I believe that, if I fall in love, someone is going to get hurt at some point. I think I might be falling in love now, but it's far too early to tell. But yeah, happy times? Now. Expecting someone to get very hurt? Later. That's just how the world works for me. Caring about people is always a risk.But if no-one ever takes any risks, nothing ever happens. Life's too interesting not to take any risks. And some people really are worth caring about. But of course, love, caring or attachments are not things that one receives because of being worthy. But still, some people are worth of all that...

So. I'm visiting my parents for Easter. So I had to tell them about the latest happenings in the life of good old me and some of my friends.  At some point I mentioned to my mom that I've found a new boyfriend, kind of. (Still too early and all that...) Not much reaction from her. We continued chatting and after about half of an hour I mentioned that my ex husband is not living with his new girlfriend any more. (Yeah, we are all just actors in a big soup opera, whatever.) My mom's reaction: "So, do you think you could get back with him now? Why did you get separated anyway?" 

No Hell, Mom! What part of  "mom, we are separated", "I just must live on my own...", "I'm getting a divorce" or "just found someone new" did you not get? All that in, like last two years. So she should have had all the time in the world to get used to it. Seriously, she has never accepted the fact that I have divorced. And never probably will. I think that  Her Ideal Daughter would not had a divorce, ever. Nor would this Ideal Daughter be crazy and unstable like me, but the divorce seems to be even worse. Fucking hell. She has two fucking real daughters, but still keeps talking like the Ideal Daughter was the only one that really existed . Because Her Ideal Daughter is more real than us, the poor substitutes that fail to be perfect no matter what we do. In some Ideal World my mom has an Ideal Daughter who is not divorced, is mentally stable and probably lives in the home town of my parents with two cute Ideal Grankids. I don't think my mom really wants to see the fact that I'm not Her Ideal Daughter, so she just keeps ignoring more and more aspects of my life. And yeah, my mom does not know that I'm polyamorous, bisexual and bipolar. (Hi mom, now you know, but I told you not to read this! ;-D Not that she really would read this lj anyway.) I just can't handle those things (or her oh so blissfull ignorance of them) with her, so I'm being coward here. Sue me, but I do clash with the Ideal Daughter so much already as it is.  I'm kinda trying to deal a one shot at a time.

Well, I'm not going to keep secrets forever, though. I'm writing a novel, that is going to be tough one. It's not about me, but there are certain similarities to the worst parts of my life. I'm planning to warn my relatives against reading it, if it ever gets published. If they read it, it's their choise to be shocked... I was raised to "appear normal", "be like the others" and "play nice" all my life. It has caused so much suffering that I have chosen to be quite open about my life. Don't wanna know? Don't look! ;-D

I can't hold this state,
Anymore,
Understand me,
Anymore.

To tread this fantasy, openly,
What have I done.
Oh, this uncertainty,
Is taking me over.

I can't mould this stage,
Anymore,
Recognize me,
Anymore.

Portishead: Over

Yeah, kinda mixed feelings. That's nothing new. Dearimasu.

And just a tiny weeny bit more than having a crush... He's so cute, my inner teen is working overtime, eep!

I went to the Club Anvil on Thursday. 'Twas fun, danced a lot etc. Nothing worth mentioning happened, but I've got pictures of my makeup! And hair extensions!  I'm going to get some rasta extensions one of those days, these ones will stay just for a week or so... But here be Monsters:






Yay, I'm learning to do an eye-makeup that does not get covered by my new glasses.

On the other news: Whoa. I seem to be falling for someone so hard that I can feel it even in my toes. Scary. And it's not the emo kid I already have blabbered about, but someone I had a date with this Weekend. Not writing any more about it, since he reads my livejournal. (Moikka, olet ihq!) ;-D Now I'm going to clear my head a little and get some sleep.

When I hate it I know I can feel but
when you love it you know it's not real
No

Marilyn Manson: Fundamentally Loathsome

Everything is still pretty unreal, as always. My life seems not to be going anywhere, even though it actually is. I, for example, have lost quite much weight. I even made a ticker to my user page of it. Here it is:




And I have recovered from the depression a lot. But still, there's so much I'd want to able to do, that it all feels like I'm doing nothing. I guess I just have to start trying harder with my novel and Master's thesis and whatnot. But this was not what I was going to post about. I was going to post about... love. ;-D And on that note, I happen to love the song "One Night Ballet" from Buck-Tick. It's wonderful to sing cheerfully the tragic line: "I love you more than you love me..." And yeah, I've been in that kind of situations, in both ends. And probably will be again someday. Because life just is a bitch that way.

I love you more than you love me
muri wo shiteru dake
I love you more than you love me
muri wo shiteru dake no One Night Ballet

Buck-Tick: One Night Ballet

But right now, me and my inner teen have developed a terrible crush towards one emo boy, who goes to some of the goth clubs I go to. Yeah, it would be kinda fun to have a small crush for a while, but this has been going on for some months now. And I still cannot make myself go and talk with him. I blame my inner teen, who is really shy... ;-D OK, so it seems that I'm really shy when I a) am really interested in someone, b) am not drunk. And because of a) being shy, b) having a crush, I don't have even one night stands anymore. Every time someone interesting enough is interested in me, I just kinda hide away. Either because I think I'm too old or fat or ugly for them or because they are not the person I have the crush with. Damnit. This is despite the fact that I know I'm not ugly, nor that fat anymore. (Well, I'm still pretty old, but that happens to everyone... ;-D) I'm annoyed with myself.

That said, I still mostly seem to attract the kind of people I really am not interested in. I have spent half of this day trying to tell to one guy via the messenger that he's not my type.

"No, I just am not interested. You're not my kind of person."
"But I can change."
"I don't want you to change. I just am not interested, OK?"
"But you could at least try to tell me how I should change..."

Oh bloody fuck... Besides that, I've been discussing with my dear ex husband about my crush towards this emo kid. He's been trying to encourage me: "No, you know you are not ugly. You can just go and talk with him, you know you are a pretty brave person." Is my life screwed up or is my life screwed up?

Now that I think of it, I guess I have this great fear of rejection partly because of I keep rejecting lots of people. I know how annoying the jerks trying to hit on you can be. So why wouldn't someone I'm interested in find me equally as annoying? Perhaps I should just get drunk next time when I go clubbing. That could do wonders to my sex life, damnit. ;-D

I am resigned to this wicked fucking world
On its way to hell
The living are dead and
I hope to join them too
I know what to do and I do it well...

When I hate it I know I can feel but
When you love it you know it's not real
No

Marilyn Manson: Fundamentally Loathsome